


the older you get

by VanillaMostly



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Gen, Headcanon, POV Minor Character, POV Second Person, basically i just want Logan to have a better ending, post- AYITL
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-02 02:43:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17879582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaMostly/pseuds/VanillaMostly
Summary: the older you get, the farther you drift, from the person you were before...[a Logan character study during the revival]





	the older you get

 

The older you get, the farther you drift. From the person you were before, from your dreams that have dried up with the ashes of your California startup. You find yourself tying business ties every morning for meetings you don’t really care for, forcing smiles for a father you despise, losing yourself in booze and women whose names you forget the next day. But for some reason you don’t get out of this. You have resigned. You have settled. You’re a sad, sad case but you go on anyway. 

 

 

You know when you see her again that you haven’t moved on. This isn’t what “moved on” should feel like. You know you should give her a cold handshake and walk away. She broke your heart when you were twenty-five, and she can break your heart again. You know this is going to be a terrible mistake, but all logic seems to fly out the window at the sight of her in that vivid red dress. Her blue eyes are just as blue as you remember them, like magnets that draw you in. You know you should turn down dinner. You know it wouldn’t stop with light conversations about old friends and old school days. You know where a few drinks would lead to, you know how that kiss outside her hotel room door would end. But you do all this anyway, because ever since you lost her you suspect a part of you was hoping for this day. 

 

 

You know this isn’t what you want. Sweet nights that turn into mornings where she’s buttoning her top, shoving items into her suitcase because she’s running late for her next flight. It’s her number that flashes on your phone, topping your “Recent Calls” list; it’s her shoes she’s leaving in your closet, her hairbrush on your sink. Yet you can’t call her your girlfriend. You can’t call her your anything. You know you want more, but you're not sure she agrees. The last time you selfishly demanded all of her, you turned her away. So you tell yourself this is enough. Just to have her in your life, whatever shape or form that exists.

 

 

The older you get, the bigger coward you become. You lose the courage to say,  _Hey I love you, please stay._ You lose the guts to say,  _look, what are we doing? This isn't us._  The two of you seem to be standing across a no-man’s land, daring each other to take the first step. You're afraid to gamble now, when once upon a time that was what you did best. You're too afraid to lose, so you don’t play.

 

 

You know the clock is counting down. You know you can’t keep her in your life like this. Not when your family has arranged someone else for your future, a future that you willingly trapped yourself into. You can’t pretend that you don’t hear the pain in her voice at the mention of your fiancee’s name. You know very well how dirty you feel, asking her to stay in a hotel, like she’s something shameful to hide when she’s the best thing in your life.

_Are you really going to marry Odette?_

You hate yourself for not giving her the truth. That you don’t care for the woman nor do you care for the plans. That she only has to say,  _don’t, I love you,_  and you’d throw it all away.

But the moment passes and she has broken her gaze. And you big fucking coward, you don’t fight it. You let her go.

 

The last time you said goodbye you were bitter, hurt and angry. You never looked back as you left her behind on her graduation day. This time, you make sure to treasure everything. You share your last kiss together, and you hope she understands there are no regrets. You frame her face;  _just like that_ , you say. You smile because you don’t want this to be sad. She smiles too, and you wonder if your smile is just as fragile as hers.

 

You return to London, to your fancy penthouse suite, to your pressed Armani suits and to a woman you’re marrying as part of a business deal. You stare at yourself in the mirror as you shave and you wonder how you got here. It doesn’t click until the night you sit on your fine leather couch deep in some fine imported bourbon, when you flip to a random channel and freeze. It’s that episode of  _The Twilight Zone._  You can’t believe it’s still playing on TV. Your mind goes numb.

You know this is your wake-up call, your overdue slap in the face. You can’t believe it took so long for you to realize: you're only thirty-five. You don’t plan to stay in suspended animation for the next forty years. So you don’t waste a second - you get moving.

 

You show up at her door, with no fiancee, no job, practically no family (your sister is the only one who will still speak to you). You don't even have a grand gesture prepared. You're nervous, but you aren't afraid. This time, even if she says no, you know you will be alright. You finally have direction again. You’re finally a person your younger self can be proud of.

When she comes to the door, the two of you just stare at each other. You start with, "Ace-" and that's as far as you get, before she meets you halfway. 

 

The older you get, the farther you drift… until you find yourself back at the beginning again. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Finally rewatched all of GG. Lmao. A LOT of hours well spent (?)  
> Logan was my favorite "Rory's guy" (probably thanks to Matt Czuchry, he's so charming). So sad what his character became in the revival. In S5, this was a kid who hated the life laid out for him. But in the revival, he was living that life without fighting any part of it. It got me thinking, how often people grow up into someone their younger self would be so disappointed in. (this was Rory's arc in the revival too)


End file.
